Welcome back to Sharjah! Here is some traffic for you.
Ah, 4am, sitting on a patio in Sharjah, waiting for a hint of sunrise. This is our post-US ritual, the opening ceremony of jet lag. Except this time, I'm observing it by myself - I'm in Sharjah for a little over 24 hours to tie up some loose ends, then it's off to Finland. There, I'll do whatever the opposite of tying up loose ends is - bank account, internet, electricity, etc. Jeremy and the kids will meet me in Turku a few days after the dust has (hopefully) settled.
I find myself at one of those times of life where I wish I could hit the fast-forward button. You know, skip to where we have furniture and a routine and groceries in the pantry, and my job is no longer nervous-new. There's a lot to be done before we cross that particular finish line, so I'm doing my best to be as awesomely productive as I can.
The fact is, it's not just my JOB-job that's new; it's this whole life role of being the one everyone else in my family is following. I'm not used to it. How could I be, when it's only just begun? I had to have a serious talk with myself a few weeks ago, to let go of some of the emotional responsibility I was still holding on to but needed to release to Jeremy. I am exhausted on his behalf just thinking of him having all the kids with him on those long flights to reach our new home. But I can't worry about that - it's his job now. I can't forge ahead and set up our lives in Finland, and also be stressing about Sterling not sleeping on the plane, or those awful long walks between terminals. It would break me, and was breaking me, until I talked myself out of it.
Because as hard as it's always been to keep the jet-lagged kids hushed in the living room at 4am so Jeremy could rest before heading into his new job in the morning, it was at least what I knew. But I can't be the one hushing the kids and going into the new job, you know? I'm heading into unknown territory.
So there's still a lot for Jeremy and me to sort out, which we will do, hopefully in our apartment in Turku with furniture in it and groceries in the pantry and electricity humming and internet connected and kids adjusted to the time zone. Where is that fast-forward button when you need it?
(Last thing, because if I don't write it now, it may never make it into a post: do you ever wish you could just turn off your emotions? Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my emotions. Being back here in Sharjah in a friend's home just down the street from where I lived until a few weeks ago, I am overwhelmed once more with all the positive memories we have of this place, of the life we lived here. Five years is a long time! I had a baby while we lived at that house! Etc. Everywhere I look are reminders of happy times and even though it is true that we might be back here in a year, this goodbye is still very real to me. And you know how I hate goodbyes.)
