Have I mentioned yet that I am ever so slightly terrified of being a SAHM again? Well, I am. Yes, I am still finishing up my MA, and yes, I still have my WAHM job, but as of today, when the classes I would normally be teaching started up for this semester, I am without a standing engagement to go outside the home and work for money.
It occurs to me that in contrast to my life from 2005- 2010, my life here in Sharjah, save for the first few months, has been defined by roles other than me being a mom. Or at least, my role as a mom has been complemented by other roles. Does that make sense? There are people here who know me only as their teacher, or only as an MA student. I no longer have my kids with me at all times. I wear makeup sometimes and I own nice work clothing and high heels. That's never been the case anywhere else we've lived.
But this morning, the girls left for school, and I didn't follow them out the door to work. It was a strange feeling. And it's a feeling that will only get stranger when I'm covered in spit-up and horrifically sleep-deprived.
Part of me is afraid to relinquish that professional, put-together self for a little while. Even more unsettling is the thought of someone who knew me as a teacher or MA student seeing me in my role as a mother. Is that ridiculous? I don't mean the calm, put-together mother of two girls who are capable of taking care of themselves in public. Plenty of my students and professors have seen me in that state. I mean the mother whose post-partum body is still not her own, and her nice clothes don't fit her so she's wearing the same shirt you saw her in last time. She's tired and distracted and as you talk about important things with her, she is bouncing around on the balls of her feet to keep her baby from crying.
I know that is reality, and that I should be proud to show even the ugly side of that important work to others, because goodness knows it gets sanitized too much already. But that stage of life is hard. And it will be even harder for me to navigate it in relation to the other roles I've played here.
Here's hoping this transition to being a mom of three who primarily stays at home will go smoothly.
And yes, the girls started school! Happy day.
It occurs to me that in contrast to my life from 2005- 2010, my life here in Sharjah, save for the first few months, has been defined by roles other than me being a mom. Or at least, my role as a mom has been complemented by other roles. Does that make sense? There are people here who know me only as their teacher, or only as an MA student. I no longer have my kids with me at all times. I wear makeup sometimes and I own nice work clothing and high heels. That's never been the case anywhere else we've lived.
But this morning, the girls left for school, and I didn't follow them out the door to work. It was a strange feeling. And it's a feeling that will only get stranger when I'm covered in spit-up and horrifically sleep-deprived.
Part of me is afraid to relinquish that professional, put-together self for a little while. Even more unsettling is the thought of someone who knew me as a teacher or MA student seeing me in my role as a mother. Is that ridiculous? I don't mean the calm, put-together mother of two girls who are capable of taking care of themselves in public. Plenty of my students and professors have seen me in that state. I mean the mother whose post-partum body is still not her own, and her nice clothes don't fit her so she's wearing the same shirt you saw her in last time. She's tired and distracted and as you talk about important things with her, she is bouncing around on the balls of her feet to keep her baby from crying.
I know that is reality, and that I should be proud to show even the ugly side of that important work to others, because goodness knows it gets sanitized too much already. But that stage of life is hard. And it will be even harder for me to navigate it in relation to the other roles I've played here.
Here's hoping this transition to being a mom of three who primarily stays at home will go smoothly.
And yes, the girls started school! Happy day.